Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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