gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
