I must be too annoying 4 u.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
