My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
