dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
