This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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