dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
