that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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