The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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