wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
