i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
