Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
