Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Church boner. Awkwardddd
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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