I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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