Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
