Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
