I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
