I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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