can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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