I wish my penis had an off switch
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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