i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
