We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
