you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
