Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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