I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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