I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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