drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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