Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
