How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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