So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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