dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
