I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
