just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
