I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just saw a hot homeless man
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
