Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
