the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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