I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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