i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
