My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
