i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
