Will you blow on my dice?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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