Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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