Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
