I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
