My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
