We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
