i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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