do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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