We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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