I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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