I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
