I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
