woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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