I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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